ChangeFamily/CommunicationReflectionFebruary 22, 20154Getting Older and Better

I’m about to turn 63. For­tu­nate­ly, age holds very lit­tle neg­a­tive con­no­ta­tion for me, so I’m excit­ed, as I am every year: I love birth­days. And I love how my hus­band cel­e­brates my birth­day with me.

It is fas­ci­nat­ing being a good deal old­er than many of the peo­ple in my life. A num­ber of my clients and a few of my col­leagues at Pro­teus are young enough to be my chil­dren (and a few are younger than my actu­al chil­dren). For the most part, I don’t notice the dif­fer­ence in our ages mak­ing much of a dif­fer­ence in oth­er ways. All the noise folks of my gen­er­a­tion make about the Mil­lenials is large­ly puz­zling to me; I don’t see them as being that dis­sim­i­lar to me, at heart. They want to cre­ate work and rela­tion­ships that are mean­ing­ful to them, and to feel proud of what they’re accom­plish­ing. They want love and respect, and they don’t like peo­ple who lie to them or take unfair advan­tage of them. Sounds right to me.

But even though I don’t feel that dif­fer­ent, gen­er­al­ly speak­ing, from peo­ple who are a gen­er­a­tion or two younger than I am, I do notice some shifts hap­pen­ing in me as I move into the last third of my life. Some of these changes are pos­i­tive and excit­ing; some are a pain. Some help me to live a bet­ter life; some get in the way. Here’s my per­son­al list – your mileage may vary.

Great things about get­ting older:

• I am more inter­est­ed in oth­er peo­ple than I’ve ever been. I’m just fas­ci­nat­ed by peo­ple and how they see them­selves and the world; the sto­ries they tell them­selves about their real­i­ty and the impact it has on them. I love to lis­ten and do it much more than in years past.
• My reac­tions to cir­cum­stances are much less black–and-white than they used to be. I can see more pos­si­bil­i­ties in a giv­en sit­u­a­tion, and am more will­ing to enter­tain alternatives.
• I am less inter­est­ed in get­ting cred­it and more inter­est­ed in oth­er peo­ple feel­ing moti­vat­ed and excited.
• It both­ers me much less to be inept at things; I am more will­ing to take the time to under­stand and get bet­ter at new endeavors.
• Patience, which has nev­er been my strong suit, is much eas­i­er for me than before. I’m will­ing to take the time to do things that deserve my time.
• Because I have more finan­cial resource than I did as a young per­son, I have the oppor­tu­ni­ty to go new places and do new things. I love that.
• I’m wis­er: hav­ing had lots of expe­ri­ences, I often have insights that I wouldn’t have had in ear­li­er years – and those insights ben­e­fit me and others.
• Hav­ing grandchildren.
• Still being my kids’ mom, but also being friends and equals in a com­plete­ly new and pos­i­tive way. It’s a fan­tas­tic com­bi­na­tion that can’t real­ly hap­pen until your kids are grown.
• I don’t want to waste a sin­gle hour. I choose more con­scious­ly how and with whom to spend my time. I am much less like­ly to engage with neg­a­tive peo­ple, in use­less activ­i­ties, or in think­ing about unhelp­ful or unhealthy things.
• I am much kinder to myself than I used to be. I’m more like­ly to acknowl­edge my good qual­i­ties, and much less like­ly to beat myself up for mis­takes or per­ceived lacks.

Not-so-great things about get­ting older:

• I can’t expend as much ener­gy for as long as I used to with­out pay­ing a price. Even ten years ago, I could work a 14-hour day, sleep 5 hours, and do it again – and again – with­out any dis­cernible impact. These days, not so much. It’s part­ly that my body doesn’t put up with it in the same way, but – per­haps more impor­tant – I’m just not inter­est­ed in doing it anymore.
• I have aches and pains. Don’t get me wrong: my health is excel­lent, and I’m fit and flex­i­ble. But I do notice that I stiff­en up if I sit in one posi­tion for a long time; my neck hurts if I’m not care­ful about how I hold my head while I’m work­ing on the com­put­er; I have to stretch my back when I first get out of bed in the morning.
• Mor­tal­i­ty is real: The time in front of me is less than the time behind me. That’s daunt­ing; I love being alive, and I don’t want to die. I want to be around to see my grandchildren’s chil­dren grow up and get mar­ried; that’s high­ly unlike­ly. I want to have at least 50 more years with my hus­band; pret­ty cer­tain that won’t happen.

As you can see, the “great” list is con­sid­er­ably longer than the “not-so-great” list. And that actu­al­ly is my expe­ri­ence; for the most part, I like and appre­ci­ate get­ting old­er. In fact, I very much enjoy feel­ing like a trib­al elder, know­ing that there are many ways in which I can be a help and inspi­ra­tion to those who are com­ing after me.

I’ve decid­ed that I’m going to con­tin­ue to age like a great wine or a Stradi­var­ius vio­lin: get­ting deep­er, more com­plex, and more valu­able; bring­ing a greater degree of sub­tle­ty, beau­ty and joy to the world.

How about you?